Monday, February 2, 2015

Lost in Thought-Emil Harmaajavi

How useless, so very useless! I can’t get out… Why am I trapped in here? Locked in a cell of all things. I must be bad, so very bad. I’m a horrid monster to have been locked up so long. What did I do? Everything, my very existence causes pain to others. I only make others sad, I cause them trouble. No wonder I was locked in here. Why don’t they just kill me instead? No, that’d be too easy, they must punish me. Death would reward me, release me from my burden. I don’t want to be talking right now, but it’s quiet… so quiet, too quiet. The people who locked me in here they don’t feed me, are they starving me? Why am I not hungry then? It doesn’t matter… I just wish they’d let me die. It’s so dark in here, or at least I think so, my long bangs cover my eyes, basically cover my nose too. My hair is black right? Yeah I think so. It’s wavy and black. Were my bangs always this long? I don’t think my hair has grown any. So why did I grow my bangs so long? Did I not want to see, or was I hiding something? My eyes… what colour were they? Why can’t I remember…? My memory is faded… I’ve been in here for what… four… five years? I wouldn’t forget so much in that amount of time, especially something like eye colour. At least I remember my name, my horrid name. Everything about me is horrid. I don’t want to exist. Everyone hates me anyways, they should hate me, of course they hate me, I’m horrid. I remembered something. I used to get in trouble a lot, but I didn’t do anything… What am I saying, I must’ve done something bad, I’m bad. I’m glad I’m locked up, at least I’m not being hurt, or hurting others. I do nothing all day, wasting away my sorrowful existence… that’s how it should be. I wish they would’ve given me a pen and paper, something to draw or write on; mainly draw. I really enjoy drawing. I like writing poetry too though. They’re great ways to show emotion in other ways than your face or words, vocal words that is. I feel drained, numb. Like, the stages of depression: sad -> depression -> numb. It’s when you’re so depressed you just can’t feel anything anymore. That’s how I feel. I don’t know why. Is it because I’ve been locked up? Or was it before that…? I don’t know. It sorta feels like someone hooked a machine to me that drained all my energy and emotion. I wish someone would give it back. No. I probably feel like this for good reason. I should stay like this. If anyone can hear me, don’t feel sorry for me, I don’t deserve it. Forget about me, and if you already have, good. I’m not worth remembering anyways. Just continue living your happy lives without me, okay? Stay smiling, if you’re sad, please be happy. If you are happy, try to make others happy, since I only make people sad.

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